To the tune of ‘Don’t Let’s Be Beastly to the Germans‘ by Noel Coward
Don’t let’s be beastly to the theists,
Don’t let’s be rude about their faith.
Though they believe in Providence,
Without a shred of evidence
We know their hearts are in the rightish plaith.
Don’t be insulting towards Islam,
Don’t treat the Moslem with disdain.
Insist that he’s terrific,
And astonishingly pacific,
Or else he’ll bomb your house, or car, or plane.
No, we won’t be beastly to the theists
As long as it might result in personal pain.
Don’t let’s be callous to the Christians,
Don’t snicker at the stories that they tell,
Though their customary behaviour
Is nothing like that of their Saviour,
And they’re perfectly sure it’s you who’s going to Hell.
Don’t be contemptuous of Buddhists,
Don’t criticise the Eightfold Path.
Though the sound of one hand clapping
Is a rather feeble flapping,
Whatever you do, don’t listen to it and laugh.
That’s why we won’t be beastly to the theists,
Because there are far too many of them by half.
Don’t let’s be horrible to the Hindu,
For the Hindu is a person just like you.
Unless, let it be stated,
He’s been reincarnated
And come back as an animal in the zoo.
Don’t scoff at Seventh-Day Adventists,
Don’t sneer at Scientology.
If a Mormon can make President,
It’s prudent to be hesitant
In pointing out it’s plainly idiocy.
So three cheers for Xenu and Moroni!
Whatever the hell it is they’re s’posed to be.
No, we won’t be beastly to the theists,
From us the theists nothing have to fear.
We’re a ragtag little band,
Our ideas are second-hand,
And we lead the atheist movement from the rear.
So we won’t be beastly to the theists,
‘Cos they’re so pathetically grateful that we’re here!