In an exclusive interview, God revealed to us today that Harold Camping was correct, and the Christian Apocalypse actually took place yesterday at midday.
“Yes, Harold was right all along,” said the deity. “That first prediction was a slip-up, but the second one was right on the nose.”
We asked the Lord to take us through the steps involved in holding an Apocalypse. “Well, first you have to find all the people in the world who are holding to the Biblical faith of Christianity. That turned out to be a bit of a problem, actually. I was pinning my hopes on a homeless man in Manhattan, Jesus had his eye on an elderly couple in rural Syria, and the Holy Ghost was all worked up about a sixteen-year-old Belgian girl, but when we took them aside and actually questioned them it turned out that they all believed in evolution, science, medicine, stuff like that. Phys-ics, whatever that is. Am I saying it right? So we had to leave them there. Otherwise we would have totally, like, levitated them up to Heaven. No question about that.”
Why so few? “Well, it’s not easy to believe self-contradictory nonsense, I admit. That’s the whole point. If it was easy to believe, anybody could do it. Where would your sense of self-righteous privilege be then? But I was younger then. I may have overdone it. Talking snakes, really? What was I thinking?”
What about Harold Camping? “Harold’s a great guy, but he’s not totally sincere in renouncing the works of the devil for the power of prayer. I’ve seen him take an aspirin or two in his time. So he’s stuck. But hey, Harold, if you’re reading this, thanks for giving the heads-up. Drop in if you’re in town and I’ll buy you a beer.”
Asked what will happen to the remaining seven billion human beings who failed the test of believing in Biblical Christianity, the Almighty shrugs: “They’re out of my jurisdiction.”